5 minute interview with Charlotte Tomlinson – children’s music mentor
Thank you to Charlotte Tomlinson for joining us in the Motherhood Diaries’ hot seat for our very first 5-minute interview! Very excited to kick start this debut interview with a very talented musician and mentor.
Motherhood Diaries (MD) – Tell us a little bit about yourself, Charlotte.
Charlotte Tomlinson (CT) – I am a musician first and foremost. I read music at York University and then went to the Guildhall School of Music and Drama in London to do a post-graduate course in piano accompaniment. I lived in Hong Kong for 5 years in the 1990’s working as a musician, coach, teacher, radio presenter and more, and then spent many years in London. Now I am settled in the university city of Oxford, where I teach a lot of music students from the University itself although I am starting to travel to give talks and master classes around the country.
MD – What made you become an educator and specialist in helping musicians overcome their issues related to performing?
CT – I discovered partly through my own experience of having the beginnings of tendonitis at music college and partly through seeing my own students struggle with nerves, self-belief and confidence, that there was almost an epidemic of these issues amongst musicians, and that nobody was talking about them. They appear to stem from a culture of negative criticism and judgment that is still very prevalent in the classical music world. I feel passionate that musicians should not have to struggle in this way, and that their lives and their playing would be considerably enriched if they could learn to be kinder to themselves, and if this could be built into the culture.
MD – Where do you currently teach and mentor musicians?
CT – I work from my studio in Oxford and on Skype. I can also work from London by mutual arrangement.
MD – In your article, ‘Teaching children: criticism or praise?’ you state that negative criticism achieves very little in terms of educating children in music. You also claim that too much praise can hinder a child’s learning. How would you advocate teaching music for children?
CT – I think children need lots of fun and encouragement to get them inspired. They also need to be given clear boundaries and a good structure. They need to learn how to work but that shouldn’t be hard and tedious. Work is more about learning to ‘engage’ with what they are doing and be involved in it. They also need to learn commitment by ‘turning up’ regularly – that may only be 5 minutes a day, but that is where commitment starts.
MD – Where can we find more information on your services?
CT – My website – www.charlottetomlinson.com – is very comprehensive with the opportunity to have live chat with me. I can also be found on Twitter – charlotte_music; LinkedIn and I have my own Facebook page, Charlotte Tomlinson.
MD – What are you working on now?
CT – I am writing articles for national music magazines on issues of nerves and injury and I am preparing a series of videos on skills connected with learning the piano, which I will be selling from my website in the next couple of months.
MD – You have written a book called ‘Music from the Inside Out’. Can you tell us a little bit of what it’s about?
CT – Music from the Inside Out is an easy-to-read book that covers all the issues that might get in the way of musicians performing at their peak. I cover topics such as motivation, how to transform the Inner Critic, dealing with performance nerves, how to practise and how to deal with performance-related injuries. It is directed towards musicians (student and professional) but the themes I cover are universal. We all come across our Inner Critic! I have had wonderful feedback from readers who are not musicians who say that it has been invaluable to them despite its musical bias, and many parents have found it incredibly helpful in terms of general parenting skills.It is available as a paperback and e-book on Amazon and from my website.
MD – Do you have a composer/musician you look up to? Who is your inspiration?
CT – I recently saw the world famous violinist Maxim Vengerov give a master class to talented student violinists in Oxford. He gave them pearls of wisdom, enabled them to play at their peak and was incredibly generous and supportive as well as being a top-class player himself. He has all the values that I feel are important.
MD – Any words of wisdom for young inspiring musicians out there?
CT – Make sure you find a teacher you find inspiring, encouraging and good. Don’t settle for a teacher who everyone says is good but who treats you badly and abusively. And keep your love for music alive!
MD – Finally, what is your favourite hour in the day?
CT – I can’t say I have a favourite hour as such but I do love waking up when the sun is shining – I feel so much more energised to get up and enjoy the day!
If you are interested in following Charlotte Tomlinson’s journey, here is how you can get in contact:
Mobile: +44(0)7970 850 057
www.charlottetomlinson.com
Skype: Charlottetomlinson
Click the buttons below to take you to the relevant page.
“OK, here’s my situation. My Mummy has had me for almost 6 months. The first few months were great – I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or night. Then something happened.
Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep through the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse. I’ve talked to other babies, and it seems like it’s pretty common after Mummies have had us for around 6 months.
Here’s the thing: these Mummies don’t really need to sleep. It’s just a habit. Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep – they just don’t need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan I call it the Crybaby Shuffle.
It goes like this:
Night 1 – cry every 3 hours until you get fed. I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to see your Mummy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it’s for her own good.
Night 2 – cry every 2 hours until you get fed.
Night 3 – every hour.
Most Mummies will start to respond more quickly after about 3 nights. Some Mummies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mummies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don’t give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!!
If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night. I KNOW IT’S HARD! But she really does not need the sleep, she is just resisting the change.
If you have an especially alert Mummy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mummy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she can do it. Last night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it.
BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come up with.
– My sleep sack tickled my foot.
– I felt a wrinkle under the sheet.
– My mobile made a shadow on the wall.
– I burped, and it tasted like pears (I hadn’t eaten pears since lunch – what’s up with that?)
– The dog said “woof” (I should know. My Mummy reminds me of this about 20 times a day. LOL.)
– Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room.
– Too hot, too cold, just right – doesn’t matter! Keep crying!!
It took a while, but it worked. She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mummies’ internal clocks.
P.S. Don’t let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, NO milk will come out! Trust me.”
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It only takes a period drama on television to remind us of how far society has moved in a relatively short period of time. I watched the first episode of BBC’s The Village recently, and it was shocking to see how a young boy of 12 could be caned on his hand for something as ‘bad’ as being left-handed or not knowing how to write well. It was the norm in 1914 to be beaten if you stepped out of line as a child. It was the norm much later on than that – in the 40’s or 50’s and possibly later still. Thank God we have got rid of that particular style of teaching and that beating or hitting children in schools is a thing of the past.
The cane left but it was replaced initially by verbal abuse. It was considered unacceptable to hit children but perfectly acceptable to belittle them, demean them, tell them that they would amount to nothing and would have no future, an approach that has caused unending damage to generations of children.
As a classical musician and teacher, I experienced this kind of teaching as a student at conservatoire level. In that rarefied environment, high standards were the only thing that was important and teachers could demand these standards whatever the cost to the student. “Call yourself a musician? Your playing is not up to it! Go away and practice” was something I heard a few times. Did this approach get the desired results? I doubt it. Or rather, if someone experiences this teaching approach and did well as a musician, they might have suffered in other ways that were less obvious – out-of-control nerves, sudden phobias or other such things. So it is clear. This kind of negative criticism doesn’t work. It achieves very little in almost all cases. It is unpleasant and bullying. Coming from this kind of cultural background, it is understandable that parents and teachers want to praise their children. Of course, it is natural and praise is essential. You want to acknowledge the effort a child has made, the ability they have shown, their enthusiasm and more. But I feel sometimes that praise can go too far and can be too effusive, which, in a completely different and arguably far less dangerous way, is not good for children either.
What happens if teachers aren’t allowed to say anything that could be considered remotely negative to children? If they can’t let a child know how s/he can improve for fear of upsetting the child and for being seen as too ‘critical’? If everything a child does is wonderful, where is there room for improvement? How will anyone know if they have really excelled? And what if the praise is actually dishonest and the child hasn’t done well but the teacher can’t bring him/herself to be critical or negative or is afraid of stepping out of line themselves, with their superiors who insist a child mustn’t be upset at any cost? To my mind, this is a swing of the pendulum too far the other way and it must be incredibly confusing for a child.
The ideal is somewhere in the middle. Children need to know where they stand and they need boundaries. They need to know that someone else knows when they are putting in the effort, doing well and excelling themselves and they need praise and support for that. They also need to know that someone else knows when they are not putting in the effort and not doing well. They need to know so that they know where their boundaries are and so that they can learn to judge their boundaries for themselves. There are times when children play up and step out of line. This is when they need to be reminded of those boundaries and shown what they are capable of. When I think back to the times when I have been the happiest and have achieved the most as a young person, it was always because an adult believed in me. I knew this without it needing to be spoken, and I automatically raised my game. It felt magical in a way. Children need praise and they need support – it goes without saying. But they also need adults around them who are discerning, who are not just going to hand out ‘lazy’ praise but are prepared to help them know where they stand, help them know their own standards and develop clear judgment of themselves. But above all, what I feel children need is for their adult mentors to believe in them. This way they learn to believe in themselves and anything becomes possible.
Boy’s blues? What to do about male postnatal depression
Postnatal depression (PND) in women remains an issue not discussed nearly widely enough. Even less discussed is PND in men. Many people don’t even know or think that it exists. However, a study by the Medical Research Council (MRC) in 2010 highlighted how common male PND can be. It claimed that 1 in 5 fathers will have experienced depression by the time their child is 12 years old.
The research
The MRC’s study (Incidence of maternal and paternal depression in primary care, September 2010) was conducted between 1993 and 2007 and involved almost 87,000 families. It looked at both men and women, identifying those suffering with depression and following them through the first 12 years of their child’s life. The study found that parents are more likely to experience depression in the first year after the baby arrives: no real surprise there given the huge upheaval a new arrival brings. What is most interesting about the research is that it points to PND being more common in men than previously thought, suggesting that there can be more to the ‘boys’ blues’ than simply a temporary difficulty in adapting to a life changing experience.
The findings show that PND is most common amongst mothers, with 14% experiencing depression in the first year. More unexpected is the 4% of men found to be experiencing depression in the same period. Going beyond that first year, the study found that 25% of mothers and 10% of fathers suffer depression by the time their child is 4 years’ old.
Postnatal depression – why men?
Why men? Why not? It is widely assumed that PND is connected to hormones and the process of pregnancy and giving birth and therefore affects only women. This is a myth as there are many other contributing factors beyond the influence of hormones. The majority of these factors are common to the experience of mothers and fathers: sleep deprivation, the change in your relationship with your partner, the general stress of looking after a new baby. (Interestingly, if PND is connected to hormones alone then this doesn’t necessarily discount men. Some studies identify the drop in men’s testosterone levels after a baby is born as a trigger for depression. )
For a father, a contributing factor can be the pressure placed upon him to be the ‘hunter gatherer’, providing for his family whilst his partner is at home. In the same way as a woman returning to work, a man is forced to juggle an endless list of competing priorities. This is made worse by factors such as sleep deprivation and, more often than not, the lack of time and space to adjust to their new life. Two weeks of statutory paternity leave is barely a chance to take a breath.
Studies have indicated that the following factors can influence a man’s chance of experiencing PND:
Lack of good sleep.
Changes in hormones.
Personal history of depression.
Relationship stress – with a partner, parents or in-laws.
Excessive stress about becoming a parent or father.
Non-standard family (such as being unmarried or a stepfather).
A lack of support from others.
Economic problems or limited resources.
A sense of being excluded from the connection between the mother and baby.
The sense of exclusion from the mother/baby bond is a significant one, particularly if the father is working full-time. At no fault of either parent, fathers can feel like backseat drivers in the new family dynamic simply because they do not have the same opportunity as the mother to spend time with the baby. Failure at relatively simple tasks such as changing a nappy can leave men feeling not quite the ‘wonder dad’ they hoped they’d be.
Symptoms of PND in men
Symptoms in men can be different to those identified in women. The following are symptoms that researchers claim are specific to the male experience of depression:
Increased anger and conflict with others.
Increased use of alcohol or other drugs; misuse of prescription drugs.
Frustration or irritability.
Violent behaviour.
Losing weight without trying.
Isolation from family and friends.
Impulsiveness and taking risks.
Increases in complaints about physical problems.
Ongoing physical symptoms, like headaches, digestion problems or pain.
Problems with concentration and motivation.
Loss of interest in work, hobbies and sex.
Working constantly.
Increased concerns about productivity and functioning at work.
Fatigue.
Experiencing conflict between how you think you should be as a man and how you actually are.
Thoughts of suicide.
A father suffering from PND won’t necessarily experience all of these symptoms. One alone may be enough to identify that there is an underlying problem.
Clinical disorder or identity crisis?
“What a load of rubbish LOL. I agree there is more pressure on men to provide when they have a family so more stressful maybe but PND? You’re having a laugh.”
Quote from an online forum
Sceptics say that research such as that of the Medical Research Council serves to manufacture yet another social disease. They believe that by defining male PND as a condition, it is medicalising what is essentially an identity crisis. At a time of enormous change, not all men will cope with their situation, whether it is the loss of freedom or sense of responsibility that a baby brings. But is that a clinical disorder? Some say no: it is a normal reaction to life’s upheavals. PND in women is acknowledged as a clinical disorder and a serious one, no less serious than any other type of depression. So where is the difference? Both men and women are affected by hormones and difficult circumstances. Are men simply expected to ‘man up’ and ‘get over it’?
It is the latter expectation that may make it harder for depression to be identified in men and explain why the male postnatal experience is still coming to light. If it’s not a sweeping stereotype, men are less likely to admit how they feel, particularly (studies show) when it comes to feelings of guilt and sadness. They are also less likely to visit a doctor. Women who have suffered from PND say that it’s talking about it that helps them recognise the problem is there and take the first steps towards getting help. Men don’t necessarily give themselves this opportunity to acknowledge the problem and seek treatment.
Depression following the birth of a child is of course on a sliding scale from a general low mood (or ‘baby blues’) to PND to more severe (and thankfully rare) postnatal psychosis. Whether or not men can get PND in the same way as a woman can is not actually the issue here. What is important is the clear need for there to be greater awareness of how men can suffer emotionally and mentally and for that awareness to bring with it greater support.
Finding support
“Parents need to be told about the risks of depression for both mothers and fathers and they should also be told about the signs which they should be looking out for in their partner.”
Rob Williams, Chief Executive, Fatherhood Institute
If male PND is yet to be widely acknowledged as an issue then it is little wonder that support is still limited. Organisations such as the Fatherhood Institute (a fatherhood think-tank) are pressing for fathers to be screened for depression in the same way that women are by health visitors and GPs. For example, the Institute has worked with Surrey Parenting Education and Support to create a tool to provide health professionals with interview questions to evaluate whether a father is suffering from PND. Initiatives such as this demonstrate a growing recognition of the need to put a framework in place for supporting men in the same way as women currently are.
Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, there are practical steps you should take if you are experiencing any level of depression after the birth of your child:
Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to tell someone how you are feeling, whether that be your partner, friends, a health visitor or GP.
Don’t expect to be able manage everything in the way you did before. If help is offered, accept it.
Get as much sleep as you can, even if a short nap is all you can grab.
Eat well and often to maintain energy levels.
If you suspect your partner is depressed, talk to them and encourage them to seek help from a GP if necessary.
Take some time for yourself and your partner.
Talk to other parents with babies – there’s nothing like support from someone who knows what you’re going through. Problems that feel unique to you are more often than not shared by others.
Familiar advice to the new parent but often not heeded when the demands of a new baby take precedence over all else.
Conclusion
Discussions of PND tend to focus on women and this is reflected in the support services currently available. Regardless of whether postnatal depression in men is a medical condition or a non-medical ‘identity crisis’ there is no argument that the arrival of a child has a significant impact on men and women and neither should be overlooked. If ongoing discussion serves to improve support services and encourages men to seek help then it is a positive step – if not a leap – forward.
I recently asked myself how men prepare themselves for fatherhood. Should they read books? Should they listen to their partners and follow their lead, or should they just act like typical men do and work, work, and work, hoping that all will fall into place eventually?
Well, my wife is 3 months pregnant – I am becoming a father. These sorts of questions have been drifting in and out of my mind for the past 3 months. As my dearest wife has been going through all the highs and lows of pregnancy, I have been left bewildered that men don’t really have a clue what to expect. There is no maternal instinct. There is nothing they can physically feel before becoming a father. Their only hope is to rely on their emotions. Emotions will determine how much they need to prepare and how much they want to prepare. Your pregnant partner has no choice. Does this make it harder for men to bond with the idea of becoming a father? I certainly believe so. I have been emotionally preparing myself since I was old enough to determine who I am and where I came from. My parents separated when I was very young. As a result, my father drifted in and out of my life, like a recurring dream, a dream that regularly appears and you never want it to end but, eventually, you wake up. Although I was blessed with much love, happiness, and health, not having a constant father figure around me has made the thought of becoming a father very important to me. It made me realise at a very young age that my life ambition was to become a father figure and to give my child everything that I never had. Since the day I developed that ambition I have been emotionally preparing myself for fatherhood. So, emotionally, I feel a connection to fatherhood. Does this mean I’m ready to be a father? Certainly not. It is my understanding that you can never truly be ready for fatherhood.
You can only ever be as ready as you are prepared to commit yourself. What do you have to commit to? What is the most important? What is most urgent? After all, if you are expecting a child you have less than a year to prepare for a lifetime! To start committing to the responsibility of fatherhood, men should use the pregnancy period as a stepping stone. During this time the wife/partner is in constant need of care and help. This can be a fantastic learning curve in establishing responsibility and also understanding the magnitude of life growing inside. By going through every step of the pregnancy together you will not only prepare yourself to care for her every need, but you will form an early emotional bond with that ever-growing bump.
What becomes reality during pregnancy is the sudden need for security and protection, not only for the growing unborn baby but also for the weakened and sensitive pregnant partner. Your partner at this stage will become extremely vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. She has to endure an emotional roller coaster of joy, fear and excitement. Once the novelty of knowing she’s become pregnant has worn off, she will go through the daunting thought of what responsibility and pure selfless dedication that lays ahead. Traditionally, once the baby is born, society demands for one parent to sacrifice most, if not all, personal or professional commitments for at least 6 months. Of course, there are the select few people who put ambition and personal gain before nursing a baby. There’s nothing wrong with prioritising ambition and personal success as it is well-known that a successful career may provide more options for your child in the future. However what is more important for a baby? A father/mother figure closely present at all times during those crucial first years? Or will it bear no difference if a Childminder looks after your baby in those early years? Clearly, this is a question of moral opinion. But it is of my personal opinion that one parent should be caring for a new-born baby at all times for at least 6-12 months. Those that have partners will find it easier to establish a suitable balance between sacrifice and personal/professional desire. Unfortunately, those that don’t have partners face an uphill battle to raise a child in today’s money-feasting modern society. They face obstacles far beyond any unwillingness to sacrifice ambition for personal gain.
Of course for the wellbeing of a baby, it is still vital that the parents remain ambitious and career driven. In an ideal world, the parents would strive to balance the care aspect so that the baby benefits from both. I.e. one parent nurtures and one parent provide financial stability. For many traditional family backgrounds, the mother is thought to do the nurturing but today’s modern era has widely proven that fathers can be just as gifted at caring for a baby, right from the beginning. So, what happens to the men/women whose partner puts their careers on hold? What do they have to sacrifice? How does it affect their ambition for success? How do they cope with their career? I will answer this with my own experience later on…
So, with your partner already questioning how good a mother she is going to be, what she has to sacrifice and how she is going to provide for the baby, she also begins to learn about the GOOD the BAD and the UGLY: “LABOUR” and “BIRTH”. Once her mind connects with the pain and torment that awaits her, anywhere from 2 to 40 hours she becomes even more worried. Imagine you are asked to attend an appointment for a lifetime experience. You are thrilled at the prospect. Your heart fills with joy and jubilation. Then you read the small print on the appointment card: “Please note this appointment will deliver the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. However please bear in mind that you must be willing to experience excruciating pain and several days of insomnia.” How would you feel when you find yourself counting down the time until you face D-day?
Ok, let me stop there before you decide to never have a baby. At first glance, the above may read as though I share a very negative and depressive view of pregnancy and childbirth. Absolutely not, it is by far the most amazing, heart-warming and life-changing event you will ever experience. However, the point I am leaning towards is that throughout pregnancy the men often don’t fully realise what a difficult journey your partner embarks upon. Your partner needs extra security and encouragement for what lies ahead of her. The mental strain added by the overwhelming physical changes that constantly evolve for 9 months calls for a strong and positive partner that can protect her feelings and wellbeing at all times. To me that calling marks the beginning of a dad.
Now that your partner feels secure and is well cared for by you, everything is perfect, your families are excited your partner is happy, you’re happy, and lady luck is on the horizon. Both of you go through hundreds of baby names. Warm smiles bright enough to light a room appear when you see her bump grow every month. Soon you find yourself mapping out your future with a little baby. First, there’s the baby room, which houses the baby cot, the baby changing unit, all the little fluffy toys and all the little cute clothes. Then there’s the buggy, the car seat or perhaps even the car you don’t have yet. The nappy changing bin, dishwasher, steriliser, blankets, baby bouncer, nappies, wipes, baby bath, baby health care kit, little cute mittens and little cute hats etc. This is just great. A seemingly endless amount of shopping. And what makes this even more exhilarating is that you don’t feel any guilt for spending money as it’s a purely selfless deed. However, by now some of you may have started to paint a picture of the point I am leading up to with that lovely shopping list. ‘YES,’ you’ve guessed it – the powerful and intimidating word, “MONEY”. I strongly advise all dads to check your finances. Work out what you can afford! If you’re not doing it already then budget your money as this is man’s biggest hurdle of becoming a dad. Take my list for example. You will want to give your child the best there is! So why don’t you go online and gather prices for the best of the best that’s out there? Make a list and sum up the total. WARNING be sure to seek medical advice if your eye sockets are not securely attached to your head as your eyes will not have widened this far before and may drop out. And you might want to sellotape your jaw around your head just to keep it from locking when you see the price list. Whatever total you reach, that is only a little sand corn in a desert of growing financial commitment that you face on your journey through becoming a Dad.
At 40+3, woke up with more of the BHs I’d been having, playing with my timer app on my phone, they weren’t regular but weren’t disappearing either. By lunchtime i was feeling uncomfortable enough to retreat upstairs with food & drink and a towel to sit/lie on (luckily our p-t nanny was here to take over the boys & DH was at home too so kept checking up on me whilst keeping the boys occupied in the garden).
Got to every 10 minutes, still not sure if they were real contractions or Braxton Hicks at this point. Rang Community Midwives just to let them know things were probably kicking off – had a minor wobble as ‘my’ MW wasn’t on and her preferred 2nd choice wasn’t either, eek! Someone rang me back and reassured me about the support I would get from the midwives that were on duty (one had been here for my first HB). Got to 5ish and things were definitely hotting up, had some ctx 5 minutes apart (but not all of them) and was losing some blood which was making me nervous so rang hospital to ask someone to come out (feeling a bit of a fraud & a liar saying I was at 5 minutes but wanted someone to check me over).
MW then got stuck in traffic….
Waters went at 6pm.
Moved downstairs to kitchen, DH sorting the pool out, nanny took boys to watch tv/have a bath/go to bed.
Things really kicking off, all i was capable of was pressing the app button with poor DH watching the times get closer together!!
No sign of MW, he called hospital again who sent out paramedics. MW arrived just before they did, so they stayed (bloke was very discreet and kind of stayed in the background which was appreciated as he wasn’t part of my plan!).
Birth:
She got the G&A out, I got in the pool (she did a VE with me in the pool which wasn’t something i’d considered but was much more pleasant than out), she said well you’re 9ish centimetres when you feel the urge off you go! (previous labours i’ve made it to 5 or 6 centimetres by the first VE so i was surprised). Started pushing, comment from MW ‘the face is out’ (hmm), baby came out, was passed to me between my legs, we had a cuddle & I checked to find out we had a little girl! (we were pretty sure it was going to be a boy). 7.09pm (est labour = 1.5-2hrs!)
Her hb was a little low so cord was cut, and MW sorted her out. I chilled out in the pool for a bit almost in shock at how quick things had gone.
Baby weighed = 9lbs8.5oz. A serious chunk
The Aftermath:
She checked me over and said I had a tear, gave me 2 stitches then decided actually I needed to go into hospital for surgery as the tear was extensive (possibly 4th degree, ended up being defined as 3a).
Paramedics (who had gone) came back, we went in.
The most horrendous exam in the world later, the obstetrics team agreed that I did need surgery, things were not good. Possible fistula (hole between rectal & vaginal passages), poss future anal incontinence, lots of other lovely things discussed.
Surgeon on duty was a breast specialist! so was decided I would wait for colo-rectal surgeon to come on duty the next day. (spent some time pondering…who grows up wanting to be a colo-rectal surgeon?!?!)
Eventually went for a GA at 1pm the next day (they wanted me to have a spinal but i did NOT want to be awake/aware for this!!), had surgery, was not as bad as had been thought, no fistula, one anal sphincter was intact so incontinence should not happen, second sphincter was torn so lots of stitches, and massive swelling & bruising. ouch.
Finally came home on Saturday (had baby Wednesday) and all is healing up nicely (apparently!). Swelling has gone down loads and I’m being a good girl and taking all my meds, laxatives, painkillers, etc.
Conclusion:
Despite the tearing (from baby being face first) I feel so much better than after my c-s and I wouldn’t choose an elective caesarean over another VBAC in the future. Only the briefest of mentions of ‘did you fill out the deviation from protocol forms?’ (I mumbled a yes – though I hadn’t, lol) referred to the previous c-s. After trying to give birth in the water twice before, I recommend it to anyone, it was lovely
Katy
This post is from the UK
Imogen’s birth story
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE – THE TALE OF TWO BIRTHS
Or the birth I thought of and the birth that I had After a miscarriage at 11 weeks with a fifth baby, we sat down to decide whether or not to try again. We weighed up age, risk of abnormality, cost of starting all over again, monetary as well as emotional and decided that we would go ahead and let Nature take its course – if it was meant to be, then it would happen and be all right, if it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t. One month later – I was pregnant. CVS testing showed a healthy (as far as could be ascertained) girl, balancing up the odds in our family.
Now that I knew that the pregnancy appeared to be healthy and fine, I could think about what I wanted from my care and birth. Having had four previous caesareans, I didn’t rate my chances too highly within the NHS. Regardless of the way I gave birth I knew that I didn’t want to spend the whole pregnancy fighting a system that was not geared up to respecting women’s choices and decisions for the pregnancies and births.
So, we made the decision to employ Independent Midwives and I approached Anna, whom I had spoken to when pregnant before. She was happy to take me on and suggested her mother, Mavis, as second midwife. The two worked under the umbrella of Yorkshire Storks, so Chris Warren became a third midwife.
At the booking in visit, we went over everything that had happened with my previous births, but at that time, no explanation could be given as to why the last two babies had decided to go from being very well engaged to oblique during labour. We decided to explore all possibilities and Chris suggested going to see an osteopath in Leeds, to whom she referred all her clients with malpositioned babies. Over subsequent appointments we found that my pelvis and coccyx was fixed on the right hand side – probably due to a skating accident in my teens. Once this was freed up, the sacro-iliac pain I had been putting up with disappeared. Throughout the pregnancy I felt that I carried this baby much better and easier than with previous ones – maybe due to a more mobile pelvis and the abdominal exercises I had been doing as well. My only concern was that I seemed quite small, even though the baby appeared to be doing well.
So it was full steam ahead and planning for the home-birth that I would love to have and hoped to achieve. As I hire out birth pools, I thought it would be rather nice to use one – particularly as it was so close at hand! We put together three birth plans – one for home, one for VBAC in hospital and one for a caesarean birth in hospital. We worked out where to put the birth pool and asked good friends if they would be prepared to step and look after the children at short notice – I wasn’t sure whether or not I would want them there, or even in the house.
My instinctive feeling about when this baby would arrive was based on Lewis taking his GCSE exams. The last one was on 20/6, so I felt that any time after that would be fine. The last 3 babies had all arrived around 38 weeks, so it seemed reasonable to assume that this one would be no different, although anything is possible.
The last week, as I turned 38 weeks, I started to put things together – a carrier bag of items just in case I needed to put an overnight bag together quickly, doubling up on nappies, breast pads, knickers etc. The baby clothes were brought out and hung up and drawers filled with vests and socks I never thought I would see again. Music was put together and essential oils and carrier oil bought, ready to use. We were going away at the weekend, so the plan was that on our return, the pool would be assembled, the conservatory cleared and everything in place ready for my labour and (hopefully) birth. I was looking forward to the slow build up of labour, to being able to use the pool, to the smell of the oils and the calm, peaceful atmosphere I hoped my baby would be born into. I had been listening to a hypnobirthing CD and wanted to use the music during labour to help give me the encouragement and motivation I needed to believe that this time I could actually give birth.
On the Thursday, I felt rather strange and different and wondered if something was starting. I didn’t say anything to Mavis at the ante-natal appointment, because I wasn’t sure and in any case, if this was early labour, it could stop and start and go on for days. As the pregnancy had been different and this baby was sitting in a different position (on my right hand side, instead of on the left where the others all gravitated to), we had no idea as to how this labour would go. We were guessing that first stage might be quicker – I have laboured with all the previous births – but that second stage might take some time, particularly as I’d never done that bit before.
We were planning to go down to Chris’ (my husband) parents, in Warwickshire, for the weekend and meet up with close friends for dinner. If I was still waiting for things to get going in a week’s time, I knew I would regret going, so off we went on the Saturday.
The two of us spent a rather nice Saturday afternoon mooching about Leamington, buying last minute items and treating ourselves to a new digital camera, as our old one was slowly giving up the ghost. I was getting what I thought was strong Braxton Hicks throughout the day and Chris did ask me if I thought these were the real thing. My reply – “If I can walk and talk though them then how can it be labour”. I was used to labour starting with period like contractions, so convinced myself that this was latent labour and could still go on for days and I might as well enjoy myself while I could. Anyway, this just felt niggly and different.
Saturday evening, we made our way to Rugby to see our friends Kevin and Claire, whom we met during ante-natal classes for the last baby (now 5). I was definitely feeling uncomfortable by now, but passed it off as late pregnancy niggles – I was determined to enjoy what looked to be a last weekend before the birth. Whilst we sat and chatted, I felt the need to go to the loo and looked as though I was having a show – a lot more mucus than usual, but still I ignored what was going on.
Halfway through dinner I nipped to the loo again as I felt a bit damp – it looked very much as though my waters had started leaking – a very strange situation to be in – it had never happened before. I could no longer ignore what was going on. Claire asked if everything was OK and I asked for a pad, as it looked as though things were happening. I then went to the dining room and asked Chris if he minded missing pudding as I thought we needed to make a move. He later told me that he though Claire and I had had a falling out! Once he realised that it looked as though this baby was on the way, everything moved quite quickly. We left Kevin and Claire’s house with their good luck wishes and made our way back to his parents’ house. So we set off and on route I rang Anna to let her know what was happening and that we were making our way from Warwickshire to Yorkshire as quickly as possible. I still felt that this could be latent labour and could go on for hours.
We got back to Chris’ parents’ house at about 11.15pm. They were very surprised to see us. It was a hot and sticky night, so they had only just got all the children to stay in bed and go to sleep. When we said we were going home because the baby was on the way, they were equally surprised and concerned and wanted us to leave the children behind. The only problem was that Lewis had another exam on the Monday and it would have been difficult to leave them there and for Chris to try and get back in time to fetch them. So, we got them all out of bed, put them in the car and left by midnight. All the time, I was feeling more uncomfortable, but still sure that this could go on for hours and I would make it back home with no problems. At this point, the contractions (which is what they really were) were coming about every 3 – 5 minutes and lasting about 30 seconds. My only thought was whether I could manage sitting in a car for the next 1 ½ to 2 hours whilst we made our way home.
As we made our way up the M1, the contractions started to become stronger and at 12.30 am I rang Anna to let her know that I was having to really concentrate on what was happening with my body. I was also wishing I was at home and not in the front of the car. She reminded me that we could stop off at Mavis’ house on the way home if we wanted, to get checked and see what was happening. I can remember looking at the clock in the car and timing the gap between contractions – about 2-3 minutes. I was desperate for sleep and found myself dozing in-between them. Each contraction needed effort of concentration to focus on them and I found myself not only breathing and trying to relax, but also singing my way up and down a scale as each one increased in intensity. Fortunately it was a clear road and we didn’t have any hold-ups, apart from when we thought we were behind a police van, which turned out to be an ambulance. All the way up, Chris kept asking if I wouldn’t just like to go to the nearest hospital – no just take me home. I think it would have been grounds for divorce or murder if he had tried to!
At 12.55 am, I rang Anna to let her know this was it and we were heading straight for home, we weren’t going to Mavis – we’d already passed the junction and were going up the M18. Anna said she would phone Mavis and Chris and then be on her way.
We arrived home at about 1.15am. We had done a 2 hour journey in a 1 hour and 15 minutes! By this point I was having massive contractions where my body was doing things I appeared to have no control over – I felt as though I was almost ready to push. All the way through this I kept panicking that the baby had moved and she was in danger and that if she came out vaginally she would be dead. I couldn’t believe that this was a straight-forward labour and everything was going to plan (!) I managed to make it into the front room, having had a massive contraction by the car. I was sure I must have woken the neighbours up (mind you they might have thought it was someone from the pub round the corner!). I settled in a comfortable position on my knees draped over the sofa, relieved to have made it home, whilst Chris got the children out of the car. The older two had stayed awake the whole journey – excited, but more so by the speed we were travelling at – apparently 100 mph at one point. Edward woke up when we got off the motorway and after being reassured that the noise I was making was because the baby was on her way, became as excited as his brothers. Eloise, on the other hand, was a bit frightened by it and needed some comforting. Throughout this, I remained convinced that this baby was not in the right position and that I dared not push too soon until I was sure. Chris kept reassuring me that so long as I could feel this hard knobbly bottom, then she hadn’t moved.
Anna arrived and got to work. She checked round and said she needed to listen into the baby’s heartbeat. She found it – just where she was hoping. After feeling round, she told me that the baby was head down and in the right position – moving down well. We managed to get my trousers off. I never realised how difficult it is to move in this late stage of labour. It took a lot of effort to get in a position to take them off and just as I did I remember saying that I thought I had wet myself – no this was the rest of the waters going. Once they were off and I had managed to get back on my knees, Anna asked to do a VE (the only one I had) and told me that I was fully dilated – she couldn’t find any cervix at all. I suspect that I had been like this for some time as I had been having rather pushy contractions that I was fighting – frightened that the baby was not in the right position. I said so – I told her I was frightened and scared and that I couldn’t do this. Anna told me to put my hand down and feel my baby’s head. She put a mirror on the floor so I could see this little dark haired head appearing and disappearing. She encouraged me – told me that I was going to do this – I was going to have this baby, just as I hoped. I felt then that I could let go and work with these contractions, rather than holding back as I had been doing.
As soon as I did this, I could feel her moving down inside – it was a very strange feeling. I felt determined and focused – in a place I hoped to be. All the thoughts of the birth I hoped to have went out of my mind. I didn’t care whether there was music, oils and warm fluffy towels. I just wanted to help this baby out. There was a sense of excitement in the room, with Chris rubbing my back and me trying to push with each contraction. I kept trying to keep the towels underneath me and moving them round in a nest of some sorts – it wasn’t deliberate, just something I had to do, each time I moved with a contraction. It seemed like a long time, but I had one huge contraction and thought that’s it, this baby is coming out NOW!!! I pushed as hard as I could and she shot out. I remember thinking as I was pushing that any minute now Anna is going to tell me to pant as the head comes through, instead of which she was telling me that my baby was born and I could pick her up. I picked her up in the towels on the floor and gazed at her, completely unbelieving that I had actually just given birth. Anna and Chris were telling me that I had done it, but it just didn’t sink in. Chris tried to shoo the children up to bed, but I shouted him to let them come in and see their new baby sister. It’s a fantastic memory – all those faces looking in awe – they didn’t see the blood or the mess, they just saw a newborn baby.
So much for the planning – the pool never made it into the house, let alone assembled. The aromatherapy oils were still in our bedroom in their boxes. The nice warm fluffy towels I was going to buy, well they’re still in the shop and the music I was going to put together – the CD’s were still by the computer waiting for me to do it and we had to make do with me singing through the contractions! So nothing went the way we hoped and planned, but I still got the home-birth and I still gave birth vaginally. Regrets? I should never have gone to Warwickshire!! Then I could have practised what I preach and used different positions and all the stuff I hoped to instead of trying to find a comfortable position in the front seat of the car – not to be recommended in strong labour! But would I change it? Not a thing. Maybe my labour wouldn’t have progressed as fast if I hadn’t been away from home. Maybe I wouldn’t have coped as well, although I often felt that I wasn’t coping at all. Maybe labour would have stalled and I would have needed that transfer to hospital.
But I still can’t get used to the fact that I managed to labour and give birth, at home, after 4 caesareans – something I was told I would never do.
This post is from the UK
SM’s birth story
Once pregnant this time I was worried that ‘preparing’ too much would lead me to an even deeper disappointment this time around if things went wrong. I found however that as I neared 30 weeks I started wanting to really prepare again. I again did yoga, enrolled in an NCT refresher course, used raspberry leaf tea and capsules and listened to natal hypnotherapy CDs most days from 32 weeks. I also bought a selection of aromatherapy oils that are recommended for various uses in pregnancy and labour.
I did a lot of research into VBAC, the stats, birth stories, what the hospital policies are, what my consultant would support and what my midwife’s views were. I actually found my midwife to be lacking in up-to-date info about the hospital policies and also the fact that all their recommendations are simply that, ‘recommendations’, and that I can choose to say no! Due to her attitude, I went to see my consultant who agreed to write down my birth preferences in my notes and show her support for them. I was lucky to have a very VBAC friendly consultant. I also went to a different midwife clinic for the last couple of visits so as to avoid this particular midwife.
The latent phase of my labour started on Sat eve when I was 39+2. I had contractions on and off between Sat eve and Tue morn. They were always more regular in the eve and overnight and would then tail off in the morning again. I went for some nice brisk walks in this time to try and encourage baby’s head to come down and also to encourage the labour on.
By Tue afternoon the contractions were getting stronger and more regular – about every 15-20 mins. My contractions never did follow a ‘regular’ pattern in the way that the midwives look for. By Tue eve I was struggling to cope with some of the contractions so I asked a friend to come over who had offered her support.
My hubby had tried to massage me but I realised I could not cope with being touched during the contractions so he said he felt a bit redundant after that. We had discussed hiring a doula earlier in the pregnancy but neither of us had really known how we would feel about that or what we would want her to do. Anyway, what I now know I needed and what my friend provided, was basically a female in the room, but also one who had expertise in labour and birth! Having someone there to chat between contractions earlier on and then, later on, be able to tell me how I was doing and what was happening with my contractions. She also supported me with homoeopathy remedies and by giving me ideas on trying different positions and movements to try during and between contractions in order to get the labour moving but also help me cope so I could stay at home as long as possible. This type of support was invaluable and I would certainly recommend having someone with labour and birth experience with you. What I found worked for me changed throughout my labour. In the earlier days, I could just stop what I was doing and breathe through them. Later on, I had to lean forward stood up or on my knees.
By the Tuesday eve, I was kneeling over the ball trying to relax my whole body but this became less effective for me as the contractions intensified and I started to tense up rather than relax. My friend (also a yoga teacher) suggested a walking movement (which she called the Charlie Chaplin walk) that opened my pelvis and made each contraction feel more like a workout. This worked incredibly well for me. Not only did it get my labour progressing much quicker (from 5-10 min apart down to 1-5 min apart) it also enabled me to cope with the intensity. By 10.00pm I was asking to get my son to his grandparents, at 10.30 we called the hospital but they suggested we wait and my contractions actually slowed anyway (this happened every time hospital was mentioned and also whenever my hubby came into the room, basically whenever I lost focus).
At about 1 am I felt lots more pressure with each contraction and decided to head to the hospital so I said goodbye to my friend and got to the hospital at about 2 am. I was still using lavender oil on a cloth to inhale at each contraction, moaning on the out breath and doing the ‘walk’ but the contractions slowed incredibly on arrival. This, however, meant I was very able to assert myself on arrival which I, unfortunately, had to do several times. The midwife on reception said I could not use the pool as I was trying for a VBAC and would need constant monitoring. I informed her that their hospital guidelines said that I could and if they needed to monitor me they could use the telemetric monitor…. to which she replied it was broken. I then informed her that I chose not to be monitored so I could still use the pool. She seemed quite flummoxed that I knew my rights so got another midwife and a registrar to speak to me. Once in a delivery room, I repeated my preferences – no constant monitoring, no cannulisation and keeping active. The registrar asked me to ‘tell her why I thought they recommended monitoring the baby’ in order to prove that I knew what I was declining, I was able to coherently answer as I had done my research and my labour had slowed so much I was barely having contractions. This must be very difficult for a woman in full-blown labour to get across though! I did agree to their admission monitoring (20min) (which I have since found is not routine) but I insisted that I stayed upright and mobile while they did this and I kept the belt pressed to my baby in order to get a ‘good reading’ so that they would then leave me alone. I also had a vaginal examination at this point which showed that I was only 2cm. At this, I was deflated especially as I had wanted to get in the pool but knew it was too early really as it could slow things down. My hubby and I went for a walk and I marched up and down the stairs for half an hour but I just got exhausted.
As a VBAC mum, I knew that the consultants would be clock watching very carefully with me so I made the decision to go home and get some rest and come back in when labour became established again. (What I have since learnt is that your cervix can dilate but then shrink back if presented with fear etc so perhaps I had been further along until arriving at the hospital). Back at home (now 3.45am) I sent hubby to bed and had a rest myself. I woke up after about 30 min to 2 very strong contractions. I ran a bath and the contractions continued irregularly and I tried to cope with them but I was getting an urge to push at the end of every contraction. I remembered how this urge had led to the epidural in my first labour and I started fearing that this labour was going to end in the same way. I got out of the bath and my mucus plug came away intact with a bit of pushing that I was trying not to do. It was now 5 am and I woke hubby and asked to go back to the hospital as I was feeling that I may need some pain relief to stop pushing…. as I was not yet trusting my body.
On arrival at the hospital my contractions continuing strongly I was again given admittance monitoring which I did bouncing on my ball this time and I asked for it to be removed when I could no longer cope with the contractions with it on. I also asked to have a vaginal exam again and found I was still only 4cm. At this point, the midwife said that as I had only reached 7cm last time we would just ‘have to see how I went’, not the resounding positivity I was hoping for! I was again disappointed that I was only 4cm so I was considering starting on gas and air but I decided to start listening to my natal hypnotherapy music again and start the Charlie Chaplin walk again. After 3 strong contractions focusing on the music I went to the toilet, whilst there I could not stop the urge to push again and as there was no midwife to discourage it I allowed my body to do what it wanted and after 3 pushes my waters burst all over the toilet. I had to have help getting back to the room as the contractions were now on top of one another but I still felt in control. I got on the bed on my knees and started to push. The midwife insisted on me stopping and checking me and she found me to be 10cm. She did say that there was a slight lip left so to hold off pushing for 10 more contractions and she gave me some gas and air in order to help me do this, however, I believe I held off for 1 and then just let my body do what it wanted which was push!
My hubby said that around this time the midwife said ‘they won’t let her push for long’. Again what a positive comment! Luckily although I did not hear this I knew it to be true so again I took things into my own hands. After 10 min of pushing on my hands and knees I asked how I was doing, she said she could not see anything yet but that I was doing well. I asked my husband to move the back of the bed up so I could lean over it with my arms to use gravity when pushing. The whole period of pushing for me felt like a very intense aerobic workout, which interestingly is what the natal hypnotherapy cd referred to labour as. This upright position worked really well and after only 25 min of pushing I pushed my little girl out. Just before she was born I told them I wanted her straight to me and they passed her right under my legs and into my hands. The most wonderful feeling in the world!
They cut the cord quicker than I hoped but I was so elated with the birth that I did not want to argue. I breastfed straight away and had some wonderful skin to skin while we waited for the placenta. I had asked for the injection as I thought this a safer option with a section scar but this seemed to make them rush slightly to get the placenta out because of the syntocin speeds up the closing of the cervix. When it did not come with a bit of tugging they eventually got a registrar in who confirmed that it was retained. I had to go into the theatre to have a spinal and have it removed. It adhered to the c section scar tissue which I believe is quite rare.
The retained placenta was unfortunate but it was handled well and calmly once discovered and I still had a good 2 hours of time with my baby and hubby before I had to go to theatre. Overall I felt so proud of my birth and after discussing it with my husband afterwards even more so as we both realised that I had actually done it DESPITE the maternity services rather than because of them. The excellent support and advice I received from my friend in early labour, the confidence my husband had in the knowledge that I had gained with regard to what was necessary and my ability to be very assertive throughout my time in the hospital were what got me my VBAC.
My Son was born by emergency c section. A surprisingly calm experience but one that left me feeling disappointed. I had prepared well for labour using relaxing techniques, raspberry leaf tea, pregnancy yoga, perrineal massage and lots of reading. I hurt my back at 38 weeks and this meant I was a lot less active than I would have liked. Baby’s head was engaged from 32 weeks though so I did not expect there to be any problems.
I had an unsuccessful sweep at 41 weeks and then I was persuaded to be induced at 41+5. I had the prostaglandin gel at 9.30pm and was then monitored lying on my back for an hour. I began getting period pains straight away and then was having contractions by 11pm. At 1pm I asked to be checked as I was struggling to cope (probably because I was all alone in the maternity ward in a small bay trying to stay quiet so as not to disturb the mums and babies in the same ward). I was not even dilating yet so I asked for pethadine to help me sleep. This did not help me sleep just made me woozy.
At 5am I asked to be checked again after spending 4 hours breathing through the contractions while kneeling over the head of my bed. I was 3-4cm and they said they would call hubby and I could go to labour and delivery. Once there I had some gas and air and was monitored again (what is this obsession with monitoring!) I stayed standing though so that I could lean forward on the bed to breathe through my contractions. Once my hubby arrived and they were happy with the monitor results I went into the pool.
Unfortunately (due to baby’s position apparently) I was very slow to progress further and I started getting the urge to push while only 5cm. This resulted in the cervix swelling and slowed things down. I was advised to have an epidural, this resulted in baby’s heart rate dropping and the decision was made that a section should be performed. They did say that I had by this point moved to 7cm but that I was not going to progress any further and baby was in distress. My c section was a calm experience but my baby was wrapped in a blanket with a hat on before I saw him and the epidural top up went too high so I could not feel my arms and struggled to breathe. This meant that I had to wait to go to recovery before I could hold my baby and although they put him on me skin to skin to feed I could not feel any of it. I did however have a very healthy baby boy and I did still bond very easily with my son and breastfed him until he was a year so I am very grateful for that.
