My missed miscarriage

This post is deeply personal and very difficult to write but I feel compelled to share our experience as miscarriage is so common and so many women suffer in silence, with 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in a miscarriage.

The missed period and the blue lines confirmed I was pregnant! The time had come for my maternal instincts to kick in and for me to start my own family. According to the Association of Miscarriages, if there’s a heartbeat at 8 weeks, the chance of a continuing pregnancy is 98%(!).

So we booked a 9-week private scan to check-in. I broke down when I heard the heartbeat – they were tears of joy and relief that there was a life growing inside me. I left very hopeful that we were having a baby.

Due to COVID, I had to attend my NHS 12-week scan all alone. I sensed something was wrong as soon as I couldn’t hear the heartbeat. Whilst the nurse was taking the measurements she confirmed with the dreaded words:

“I’m so sorry, but I can’t find a heartbeat.”

All alone, in complete shock, and desperately wishing Damian was with me, the tears came flooding. She confirmed the baby’s heartbeat had stopped at 10 weeks. I couldn’t understand it. Everything had been fine at the 9-week scan. We had been together holding hands, with tears of joy, as we’d heard the heartbeat and a few weeks later the baby was now lifeless. I had to call Damian to break the devastating news. He broke down. He made a sound I have never heard in the 7 years we have been together. The magnitude of the pain at this moment was made so much worse by having to be apart. I just wanted to be in his arms. One minute I was pregnant and the next minute I’d had a missed miscarriage!? I just couldn’t make sense of it.

A missed miscarriage is when your body still thinks it’s pregnant and doesn’t miscarry naturally despite the baby’s heart no longer beating.

I opted for a surgical procedure (D&C) which has been painful, both physically and emotionally. The cramps have been really painful and my recovery has been so much slower than anticipated. For context, walking has been difficult. My hormones are all over the place. I can’t get over the fact that I have lost my baby. The baby I felt growing inside my body for the last three months. The baby we had started to plan our lives around.

The baby we wanted.

The stats are so high, yet regardless of being older, more pragmatic, more ‘prepared’, I didn’t realise the reality I would be facing. A process of grief, pain, loss, anger, a lot of anger, sadness, hormones, emptiness, and so much more.

I am slowly finding my strength but also giving myself time to process and accept the pain and loss. Miscarriage is a total head f*** and a really lonely process to go through. I am sharing my experience in the hope that I can offer support to women who have had to endure this painful and very emotional journey – you are not alone.

To also educate those who haven’t been through it about the reality of what can happen.

And last but not least, to call for the government to change the COVID rules and allow partners to attend these all pregnancy appointments!