Keeping the spark alive after 25 years of marriage

My husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 17 — on the very first day of university! We were young, full of ridiculous energy, and had no idea what life had in store for us. But, we had each other from the get-go, and it got us through some days of eating only Chinese because they accepted cheques (we had no money), to 25 years later with multiple house moves, career changes and four amazing children.

And, we’re still fighting fit!

We’ve survived multiple obstacles: one unforgettable year where he was made redundant right after we moved house, welcomed our fourth baby, and navigated our eldest through the 11+ — all in the space of six months. We’ve weathered financial droughts, intense relational pressures, and the daily grind of raising kids. And now, with our youngest finally past the toddler years, we’re just getting our lives back.

How did we do it? We’ll tell you how in this article. Spoiler alert: there’s no one-size-fits-all, quick-fix answer. But there are ways — real, practical, battle-tested ways — to keep your relationship alive when the chaos of parenting threatens to swallow it whole.

So, grab your cuppa and stay tuned!

Date nights do matter (especially with kids in the picture)

It definitely feels more right to put your kids first and your spouse last. Stigma has also wired parents to feel as if we’re not sacrificing our everything for our kids, then we’re half-assed at our parenting job. Thankfully, education is fast-changing that mindset, and we parents are now realising that if our mental health isn’t intact, then our kids’ health won’t be either. Self-care is massively critical, and a big part of that is going out on dates. You may be knee-deep in nappies, homework battles, and calendar chaos, so date nights can feel like a luxury you can’t afford. But after 25 years together, I can tell you they’re not a “nice-to-have.” They’re essential for your relationship. For a long time, we were functioning as mum and dad – no intimacy, no real connection, and it was eroding us. We went to a friend’s wedding alone after six years, and we instantly became husband and wife and best friends again. It felt awkward at first, but nothing like a few glasses of champagne to unlock the party gates again 🙂

Even if you can’t get out without the kids, when they’re in bed, grab a takeaway on the sofa or just sit in front of the TV next to each other. Proximity helps a lot with getting intimacy back, even if it’s a slow process. But the key is having no kids and being yourselves, not just parents.

But be realistic throughout the different parenthood stages

Your relationship will look different at each parenting stage – and so will your date nights. Here is a rundown of what to expect during each parenting milestone:

Baby years – In survival mode

During the baby years, you are in survival mode, so forget those fancy dinners. We were happy we managed to drink a cuppa without it cooling down. Our ‘dates’ often happened on the sofa, with a baby monitor in hand, or watching a TV show that didn’t involve brain power. Keep your expectations low but connection high. Even 20 minutes of real conversation matters.

School years – The juggle

Ah, the school years. That sweet spot where you think life will get easier because they’re out of nappies and in uniform… until you realise you’ve simply swapped 3am feeds for 6am lunchbox prep and the eternal hunt for missing PE kits. Suddenly, your evenings are swallowed up by after-school clubs, homework and birthday parties.

Add in a sprinkling of school activities, PTA events, and suddenly weeks can pass without more than a quick “How was your day?” exchanged between you and your other half.

This is the stage where date nights can vanish completely if you’re not intentional — because the calendar fills itself without your permission. Trust me, if you wait for a “free week,” you’ll still be waiting when they’re packing for university.

Tip: Treat your date nights like they’re non-negotiable. We’ve made a great group of friends, all in the same boat. So we poll ideas and dates, book the babysitter and the date in the diary and then we commit. Guard them like the last slice of cake. Yes, you might have to eat dinner at 9pm after football pick-up or sneak out for a coffee while one kid’s at choir — but those little pockets of time are gold. They’re the difference between feeling like co-workers in the same house and remembering why you chose each other in the first place.

Teenage years – Ships passing in the night

Welcome to the stage where the kids stay up later than you do, eat enough food to rival a small army, and have busier social lives than you ever did. You’ve officially become their personal Uber driver, ATM, and occasional on-call counsellor.

Your evenings are no longer yours — between lifts to sports training, GCSE revision support, friendship dramas, late-night kitchen raids and, “Mum, I forgot to tell you, my homework’s due tomorrow!”, quality couple time can evaporate into thin air. And let’s be honest, even when the house is quiet, sometimes you’re too drained to do anything but collapse on opposite ends of the sofa, phones in hand.

This is when you have to get creative — and a bit sneaky. Early morning breakfasts out, lunch dates while they’re at school, or even a quick coffee run together before work can make all the difference. Sometimes our “date” is just walking around the block and having an uninterrupted conversation.

Tip: Don’t get hung up on date nights having to happen at night. Redefine what counts. A 30-minute coffee at 9am can be just as powerful for your relationship as a three-course dinner — and you won’t be yawning into dessert.

If you’re dating (or thinking about marriage)

Even if you’re not yet married or don’t have kids, making time for each other is just as important. And if you’re in a faith-based relationship, keeping God at the centre can make all the difference. Platforms like SALT help single Christians connect with like-minded partners who share their values — but the same principle applies no matter your stage in life: choose someone whose values align with yours, and then keep making each other a priority as life evolves.

Date night ideas that work with kids in the mix

One of the biggest game-changers for us was realising that date night doesn’t have to mean a Saturday evening out with a three-course meal. With four kids, babysitters, budgets, and energy levels all coming into play, we had to get creative. Over the years, we’ve built a toolkit of date night ideas — some free, some affordable, and all adaptable depending on our season of life.

At-home ideas

Perfect for when the kids are asleep upstairs, you don’t have a babysitter, or you simply want to save money and stay cosy.

• Cook the same meal you had on your wedding day. We’ve recreated ours a few times — even if it’s not exactly gourmet, the nostalgia alone makes it special.
• Movie marathon of your early favourites. The cheesier, the better. Bonus points if you remember the quotes before the actors say them.
• DIY wine or hot chocolate tasting. Set out a few different flavours, sip slowly, and pretend you’re expert critics.
• Play board games or card games. We’ve learned that nothing says romance like competitive Scrabble or a heated Uno match.
• Theme night. Pick a country and cook the food, dress the part, and listen to music from there — Italy, Mexico, Japan… no passport required.
• Home spa night. Candles, foot soaks, massages — it’s cheaper than a spa day and far more personal.

Outdoor dates

A change of scenery can be refreshing, even if it’s just for an hour or two.

• Walk at sunset. Low cost, high reward — the light is flattering and the conversation feels easier when you’re moving.
• Picnic in the park. Sandwiches and crisps taste better outdoors, I swear.
• Explore a local market. Wander, sample, people-watch — you don’t have to buy a thing.
• Stargazing from the back garden. Grab blankets and hot drinks, and use a stargazing app to identify constellations.
• Visit a scenic spot nearby. Every town has one — a hill, a lake, a viewpoint — and if you don’t know yours, this is your excuse to find it.
• Go for a “photo walk.” Take turns snapping pictures of each other or the scenery, then laugh over the results.

Budget-friendly dates

Proving you don’t need deep pockets to have a good time.

• Free museum day. Learn something new together — or just find the silliest-looking exhibit and make it your “date mascot.”
• Coffee and cake at a favourite café. Cheaper than dinner, but still feels like a treat.
• Charity shop treasure hunt. Give yourselves £5 each and see who finds the quirkiest item.
• Browse a bookstore together. Pick a book for each other, then swap and explain your choices over coffee.
• Attend a community event. Local fairs, free concerts, open mic nights — they often cost nothing but give you a shared experience.

Seasonal dates

Make the most of the time of year — each season has its own built-in romance.

• Autumn pumpkin picking. We turn it into a mini competition: who can find the weirdest-shaped one.
• Summer beach picnic. Pack a blanket, snacks, and sunscreen, and pretend you’re on holiday.
• Winter Christmas markets. Wander, sample hot chocolate, and maybe buy one quirky ornament for the tree.
• Springtime garden walks. Visit a botanical garden or just stroll through a neighbourhood with beautiful blooms.
• Seasonal decorating nights. Put on music, make seasonal snacks, and decorate the house for Christmas, Easter, or even Halloween together.

Overcoming common obstacles

Too tired?

I get it — by the time the kids are in bed, the dishwasher is running, and you’ve answered that one last school WhatsApp message, you’re ready to collapse. But date night doesn’t have to be a three-hour production. Start small. Fifteen minutes of sitting together, phones down, with a cup of tea can do wonders. Some of our most memorable “dates” have been nothing more than sharing a slice of cake in the kitchen while the kids were upstairs, or sitting in the garden in our hoodies, watching the sunset. The key is presence, not perfection.

No babysitter?

Babysitters can be pricey or simply impossible to find at short notice. This is where your community comes in. Swap childcare with friends who are also parents — they watch your kids one night, you return the favour the next. Rope in grandparents or siblings when you can, and if that’s not an option, embrace the at-home date night. Light some candles, make dinner special (even if it’s just pasta), and have a “no talking about the kids” rule for the evening.

No budget?

We’ve been there — tight months where going out just wasn’t possible. But honestly, some of the best dates we’ve ever had cost nothing at all. A walk in the park, a drive to the coast to watch the waves, a picnic in the back garden, or lying on a blanket stargazing. The lack of expense actually made us focus more on each other instead of the menu. Connection doesn’t need a receipt.

Grown apart?

If you’ve been in “co-parent autopilot” for years, starting date nights again can feel awkward — like you’re sitting across from a stranger you happen to share bills with. That’s normal, and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. Start small. Ask questions you wouldn’t normally — “What’s been your favourite moment this month?” or “If you could plan our dream holiday, where would we go?” Share something you appreciate about each other every day. The little conversations will slowly rebuild the bridge between you, and before you know it, you’ll be laughing together again.

FAQ

How often should we have date nights?

If life allowed it, I’d say once a week — and in our dream world, it would be a lovely evening out with uninterrupted conversation, good food, and no one asking where their shoes are. But the reality of parenting means you might only manage once a month, and that’s perfectly fine. The key is consistency, not perfection. A regular, protected time together — whether weekly, fortnightly, or monthly — creates something to look forward to and keeps you connected between the chaos.

Can date night be at home?

Absolutely. In fact, some of our best “dates” have been on the sofa in pyjamas, eating takeaway after the kids are in bed. It’s not about the location; it’s about the intention. Turn off the TV for a while, put your phones on silent, light a candle, or make your favourite dessert together. If you make it feel like a date — even in your own kitchen — it is a date.

What if our schedules don’t match?

Been there. Sometimes the only overlap in our calendars is 30 minutes in the morning before the school run or during a lunch break. That’s when you get creative. Meet for coffee between meetings. Have breakfast together at a café after drop-off. Go for a quick walk around the block before the day starts. It doesn’t have to be at night or for hours on end — a short burst of intentional, focused time can be surprisingly powerful.

Final thoughts

If there’s one thing 25 years of marriage and four kids have taught me, it’s this: you don’t keep the spark alive by waiting for perfect circumstances. You do it by showing up for each other, even when it’s inconvenient, messy, or imperfect.

So, whether your “date night” is a lavish dinner out or a cup of tea on the sofa after bedtime, do it. Your relationship is worth every moment you invest in it.

*Collaborative feature post*