What should you do about your problems in marriage?
Emotional intimacy is in abundance at the start of a relationship so one can assume it will always be there. But many couples find their emotional intimacy starts to diminish after some time, especially after kids, and it can become a struggle to bring it back.
A relationship can be hard work to maintain, and once one party decides they don’t want to put in the work anymore, the cracks start to appear. Without hard work and commitment from both of you, you might find that your relationship starts to slip away.
Common marriage problems can escalate quickly which may lead to considering leaving, which can be one of the toughest decisions you will ever make. But focussing your attention on keeping the intimacy alive first ensures you have done everything in your power to keep your marriage alive. So what should you do about your problems in marriage?
Check out some tips below on how to keep your marriage alive.
Communicate
If you and your partner’s dinner conversations are filled with pregnant pauses, your workday can be described in a terse sentence, your mind is filled with financial worries, or maybe your attention is focused solely on the kids, then your marriage may have problems. This is known as ‘parallel lives’ – avoiding conversation, side-stepping intimacy, not doing things together and a general feeling of awkwardness, where before you were in complete harmony.
When the sum total of your intimacy comes down to physical intimacy in the bedroom, then it’s time to start focussing on emotional intimacy away from the bed too. A healthy sex life is in no way a bad thing, but when it comes at the expense of real communication, you might run into problems.
Make the time to talk to one another about your feelings and learn to listen. Notice we said make and not take because this is something for which you need to create space in your life. It’s instinctual to want to react, reflect your thoughts and feelings, or offer a solution, but focussing on listening will provide a bigger impact on a mutual conversation.
Be affectionate towards each other
When your normal affection patterns – the kiss as you leave for work, the hug when you get home, physical intimacy or sexual activity – have seemingly disappeared, then there may be a problem. This kind of behaviour signifies ‘disconnection’. Of course, it could be just temporary and there may be good reasons (maybe the kids have zapped all life from the both of you), but if it has been happening for some time, then it’s more likely to be a committed relationship problem.
One of the easiest ways to increase your emotional intimacy is to increase your physical intimacy. If your bedroom antics have become a little more than routine of late, it could be time to think about shaking things up.
Unleash your kinky side and see what you can dredge up from your imagination. When you let go of your inhibitions and allow yourself to be vulnerable around your partner, you reveal a side of yourself that would normally be concealed. When you’re in a relationship where you feel confident sharing this vulnerability, you know you’re in a good place.
Show appreciation
Gratitude and appreciation help to nurture a more loving relationship. But appreciation is about more than giving gifts or saying thank you, it’s about recognising the things your partner does for you of which you may take for granted. It’s easy to forget you both play a role in keeping the household running, and each party will often focus on how much work they are taking on and forget their partner’s contribution.
Taking out the bins at night is a small task, but when one partner does it without being asked to do it, it ticks one thing off the household to-do list and lightens the load for both of you. Take a moment to appreciate the small things your partner does and practice gratitude for their presence.
Is it worth sweating the small stuff?
You may have never noticed it before now, but he’s always on his phone or he leaves his empty coffee mug on the edge of the sink. And he doesn’t look at you when you speak. You argue all the time about silly things and regardless of what you say it always ends badly. You feel disconnected and you blame him for why the relationship isn’t working.
When events and emotions start to overwhelm you, rather than reacting, try to take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Then decide on your course of action, knowing that you’re always free to change your mind if you must.
Spend quality time together
Couples fall into the habit of assuming that any time spent together is enough. While those evenings spent in front of the TV binge-watching the latest true-crime series are no doubt special, you need to create space in your life for quality time. This might mean taking a weekend away, or it could be as simple as a long walk on a Sunday afternoon. When you start to spend quality time together, you create new memories, and this is vital for emotional intimacy.
Reminisce
Looking back over old photos and heading down memory lane is an excellent way to boost your intimacy. By looking fondly at a time when emotional intimacy was free-flowing and taken for granted, you can reconnect with those emotions and remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.
It’s a common problem that many couples these days only have these photos on their phones, so it’s harder to connect with them on an emotional level. Try getting your favourite photos printed and creating a memory book together so you can reminisce while creating something you can return to time after time.
Try something new
Getting out of your comfort zone is a great way to create new memories. This could mean exploring each other’s hobbies to find out more about the person with whom you’re spending your life with every day. Or it could mean trying something you’ve never done before.
You might not enjoy skydiving, rock climbing or horse riding, but at least you’ll have a fun memory that you share with your partner that might bring a smile to your faces years down the line.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable
Perhaps you’re busy, or stressed, or feeling drained. This is normal in the modern world, but these feelings can also make you more guarded in your personal life. You might feel that if you let your guard down at home, you’ll be more emotional and less effective at work.
Being vulnerable at home shows your partner you trust them completely. A key part of emotional intimacy is letting your guard down and sharing your thoughts with your partner, even if this might make you more vulnerable than you want to feel.
Hire help
Sometimes working on your relationship means giving yourself permission to pass off some of the tasks you would rather avoid doing. If housework is zapping your time and attention, you could find a way to outsource cleaning to someone else. And if childcare is the source of strain in your relationship, consider asking for help from those around you.
When you pass off these tasks, even if it is only once per month, you can direct more of your attention to your partner and focus on your relationship. Hiring help around the house or childcare support could be just the thing your relationship is looking for.
Go to therapy
You don’t have to manage this all alone. Therapy isn’t a sign that your relationship is broken, it’s a sign that you’re willing to work on it. Therapy can give you the tools you need to explore your relationship and practice things like gratitude and communication while exploring your intimate connection. A therapist might offer some outsider’s insight that you have previously overlooked.
Do you have fantasies of leaving the relationship?
If you feel trapped, it’s tempting to think about a new life, in a new flat and/or in a new relationship. If these fantasies are occurring on a regular basis, and in greater detail, this may well be your subconscious telling you it’s time to get out or that something is missing in your marriage.
Separation and divorce are certainly not easy and many couples choose to stay in unfulfilling or unhealthy marriages, even though they know in their heart of hearts that they should leave.
Couples often invent reasons to justify remaining in the relationship. In their state of confusion, they stay in the marriage and wait for something dramatic to happen that might finally push them into facing up to reality.
Should you stay?
It may make for a grim conclusion but if any or all the above apply to your marriage, you need to decide whether you should stay or go.
Your decision-making process can range from minor concern to ever-increasing anxiety, and if, after you’ve made the decision to leave, you’re standing there with your bags packed, ready to go, and other competing voices begin to take hold, it’s important that you listen to them very carefully.
Slow down and try to work out exactly how you really feel and what you are or are not willing to do. Don’t think that listening to these voices is, in some way, cowardly, or that second thoughts are a sign of weakness. Rather, consider the two sides of the argument and pay attention to which of these is stronger.
If a part of you is saying, hang on, there’s more that both of us could do to save our marriage and you believe it could be fixed, then take your time and give this more serious thought. if you have kids then you owe it to them to try everything you can first. Sometimes in the heat of it all when you finally realise you’re going to lose your partner, your overriding feelings may be what saves you from making the wrong decision. So listen to them.
Should you leave?
If a bigger part of you clearly says, yes, it’s time to separate, or file for divorce and make a fresh start, then you should take that step. If divorce is the option you’ve chosen, then you should take legal advice straight away. Divorces can be messy and complicated, but they don’t always have to be.
Talk to your solicitor about the benefits of a clean break divorce. ‘Clean break’ divorce orders cut the financial ties between you and your partner. Whilst a divorce ends a marriage, it doesn’t necessarily finalise the money side of a relationship. Unless an agreement known as a Consent Order and a Clean Break Order is issued by the courts, your ex-spouse could claim a portion of your income, assets, pensions, or property anytime in the future.
It’s a tough place you’re in and the decision you finally make will be a life-changing one for all concerned. But if you know in your heart that it’s the right way to go, then proceed with confidence, knowing that your life will be better for it in the long run. But if you want to stay and work on the marriage, then start working on your emotional intimacy now as it is a vital part of any relationship. Without it, you could be left feeling more adrift and alone than if you were single. Prioritising this abstract part of your relationship is a worthy task and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. So make sure you’ve exhausted all options before you take the plunge.
*Collaborative feature post*
