How The Gender Mystery During Pregnancy Helped Me Bond with my Baby
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Throughout my pregnancy I had not felt the need to know the gender of my child. Part of this was still a nervousness to attach to a person living inside me who could decide to up and go, leaving me devastated. The other part was quite simple, not really minding whether my child was male or female, the idea of a boy or a girl was completely fine and I didn’t have any preconceptions about why one would be better.
However, my husband was extremely keen and isn’t a fan of surprises. I think in part he also wanted to be able to plan and be a part of things rather than just sitting on the sidelines watching me grow. There was also the practicalities of finding a name as cutting out 50% of the options makes a much easier job. We were still hoping to keep the answer to ourselves in order to ebb the flow of pink and blue baby items entering our house, and give everyone else a surprise, but we aimed to find out at our 20 week scan.
I assumed this would be the next step in pushing my comfort zone and bonding with my child; as I said this had been difficult and I am still working on building a relationship that feels somewhat normal. It turned out that this step was not what I expected.
We arrived a little flustered after parking the car later than we hoped and struggling to find Radiology. We sat patiently before being called in and had the basic idea explained: they were checking bone structure, the spinal cord, development, etc. With some surprisingly luke warm gel on my bump I lay watching the screen at an angle as the doctor pointed out that our baby was facing outwards and wriggling quite a bit. She went through the necessary parts and casually chatted; as she knew we were aiming to find out the sex this time round, she also explained that she could do her best but it might not be possible, and even if it was the answer is never 100% accurate.
It was strange to see how much bigger our baby had grown on the screen since 13 weeks. It seems like an obvious point but when you’re imagining a photograph type image showing an entire little body, but it’s hardly as if the scanner can zoom out. It is also impossible for a camera to see something that is hidden from view, and that’s exactly what the sex of our child was: hidden.
Despite wriggling and kicking their little legs and arms, thighs were tightly held together and tucked under them. No matter what angle we tried there was no budging this determined little person. We tried using gravity by scanning whilst I lay on my side – nothing. Then I was asked to bend my legs, lift my hips, twist and shake quickly from side to side to give them a little bit of a hint that they might want to move. That was the weirdest thing I’ve ever done in a doctor’s office and the nearest my baby has come to a rollercoaster as yet, but still – nothing.
I couldn’t help but laugh. I felt sorry for my dear husband who had been excitedly waiting for the news, but this told me far more about their character than their sex could ever have done. Whether it was modesty, cheekiness or stubbornness they were clearly our child. I also thought how strange it was that we were asking this little creature to open their legs so we could check them out early. Although I might not know if my child is a boy or a girl, I know they are mine, truly mine – I would probably find it highly amusing to hide, or at the very least stubbornly refuse to show someone something they didn’t need to know. There’s also still a slight possibility that they have the little kink above their nose that their father has, and so to be building a picture of my child is still possible.
Of course, we have a chance in a month or so to ask again and see if we can tell, and we probably will ask. What is wonderful is not feeling that this simple question is the next big bonding step, but just another small part of getting to know them and who they are. With a few little kicks it seems my little one agrees and is perhaps enjoying their peaceful privacy.
Did you find out the gender of your baby during your pregnancy, and did it effect your thoughts and opinions about parenting either a boy or a girl?
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For the first it really does not matter but for the second it would be nice to have one of each. I think you should still keep the gender a secret even after the baby is born, information only available to those brave enough to change a nappy. Research shows us that the gender of a child relates to how we treat that child. Boys get rough play and girls are treated gently. I do not know if this is right or wrong but it would be cool to see how people approach your baby if they do not have a clue as to the gender. Ann
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In part I agree, on the other hand having grown up rebelling against some girly stuff and accepting others, being far rougher than my year younger brother, and digging up dinosaurs with him for most of my childhood I feel it is far more complex. Plus I have hated pink for as long as I can remember so will probably be dressing my baby in a variety of colours no matter what their gender turns out to be. What I have found amusing is that the pink/blue divide was the opposite until relatively recently in our history as royal baby boys would be dressed in pink to be close to the power of red, whereas baby girls were in blue to symbolise the innocence and purity of the Virgin Mary. It only changed when a royal a century or so ago decided that they liked pink dresses… weird how fashion changes our perceptions, ay?
There was quite recently a news story about parents keeping gender quiet for about two years but I’m not sure from their descriptions there was any real difference to a number of boys or girls I see running around at the minute. I think that with an increase in “you don’t have to be a housewife” attitudes comes the encouragement for all girls and boys that they can be great at whatever they want to be, whether it is something “for girls/boys” or not.
I would also say that having been around two boys whose mother forced them to have dolls and play cooking/cleaning toys as well as cars, etc, that this isn’t necessarily healthy either. They didn’t really appreciate it, and it was far more for the mother than the children, which is as bad as only allowing them “boy stuff”. It all felt rather uncomfortable. I think parents need to be careful they are led by the child because they might end up as the most 1950’s housewife of a girl and completely love it – and that should be OK too.
Absolutely fab article and comments guys, thanks for sharing. 🙂
Well, I was one of those who was too impatient to wait until birth to find out the sex of my babies and I have two very big boys under three years old (busy bodies who love cars and boys’ stuff). I am one of four children (I have three sisters and one brother) and my mum never played the gender card with us. In fact, I loved cars and my brother loved dolls. Mum never intervened and just went with the flow on what we liked and disliked. Now my brother loves cars and I wouldn’t say I love dolls or that I am a lady’s lady, but even though I am a tomboy at heart, I love dressing up, wearing make-up on occasions and styling my hair. I also love cars, football (Arsenal) and lots of sport.
I did tell my parents as soon as I found out the sex of my babies, and that didn’t change their perception of my babies at all. In fact, my dad bought my youngest a pink toy car because there were no other cars in the shop and my youngest absolutely loves it to this day. I bought my eldest a pink sippy cup just the other day without paying any attention whatsoever to the colour of the cup, but to just use it for its purpose.
So, in conclusion, I agree with both of you, but the situation is far more complex. Yes, my boys get rough play, but so did I when I used to play fight with my dad. My brother was a gentler being, so they treated him more gently. We went with personality rather than gender and I think we’ve all grown up to be quite balanced people on the face of it (although sometimes I don’t feel like I am with these two Duracell bunnies running around our small flat lol!)