How to deal with relationship breakdown after baby

Being a new mother is hard in the first place. Sleepless nights, fatigue, feeding problems, endless household chores, getting used to a completely new routine and even things like interference from extended family like in-laws are just a handful of the many worries that come straight after having a baby, especially when it’s your first child. But when you need to figure out how to deal with relationship breakdown after baby, it just makes everything feel worse.

Relationships between co-parents after having a baby can become strained, especially when relationship problems are present before the baby arrives. If you both don’t figure out how to deal with marriage problems after the baby is born, these concerns are magnified, take a toll on the relationship, and ultimately it could lead to a breakup.

Taking care of yourself after a breakup is vital to your mental recovery, especially when you’re experiencing a lack of sleep. Learning important lessons from a breakup or divorce can mean that you recover mentally and the life change can even open more positive doors for you in the future.

In this article, we talk about relationship changes after having a baby and how to cope with life as a solo parent after a breakup.

Do relationships between a couple change after children? Why do most relationships fail after having a baby?

So, why do couples almost break up immediately after having a baby?

Psychologists say a big part of the problem that makes couples break is you have much less time to spend with your partner than before the baby arrived. Some of the stressors can include tiredness from waking in the middle of the night, problems with feeding (especially breastfeeding) and that you’re a different person now than you were before. It’s a lot harder to enjoy the things you used to do together like going to the cinema or having date night. Relationship satisfaction is important so your partner may feel left out and resent you for the lack of support and less time together – and vice versa.

Your sex life dwindles, which is why falling out of love with the infant is quite common too. Your priorities, including romance, appreciation and emotions have changed. Family life comes with its challenges, especially when one parent has different ideas about marital satisfaction and parenting styles, as well as you both have conflicting schedules amongst the perceived chaos. Disagreements fester and grow, and could evolve to much bigger problems later if not fixed.

You change more than you think when you become a mother

How a woman changes after having a newborn baby is nothing short of amazing. Putting aside the obvious physiological changes that happen during pregnancy and birth, the neurological and emotional changes during parenthood are huge. Even before you give birth, your brain structure changes. Grey matter becomes more concentrated, empathy, anxiety and social interaction control areas in the brain increase in activity, and hormones flood in to help the connection grow between mom and baby. These are feelings of overwhelming love, protecting your baby cub like a lioness, and the nagging worry that your baby will be in danger.

Often there is little room left for your partner and as a result, they can feel inferior in the family pack and ultimately unhappy in marriage after the baby. Marriage problems can fester and become too big to feel like there’s a solution because it feels like there is no time for relaxing and if you don’t get help with the baby from extended family like grandparents, then there’s no quality time for you to be together either.

How do you cope with a relationship breakdown after baby?

When your relationship problems after having a baby get to the point of no return, then your life changes and your brain on a breakup triggers withdrawal symptoms, just as it does when you give up a drug.

If you are having marriage trouble after a baby, here are some tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce.

Be wary of postpartum depression

Dealing with a breakup or divorce can play havoc on your mental health and postnatal depression can become a real problem that can put your health at risk. If you’ve only recently split up with your partner, then dealing with a relationship break-up will be fresh and raw and you may harbour some resentment towards them.

Your relationship ending could be a blessing in disguise and things will get better, but you probably won’t see that now. You’re at the peak of tension and heartache and you think about your breakup as a physical injury, i.e. you lose your appetite, you have sleep deprivation and you generally feel unwell.

But, as challenging a time as this may seem, help is at hand. Read on for more tips on dealing with a breakup as a new mother.

Relationship or marriage problems after the baby is born – especially if you’re new parents, it’s your first baby and you’re in the first year of birth – can cause you to not think as rationally about things. But it’s important you still prioritise your baby because your little one needs you more than anyone else in the world. This means you need to look after yourself physically and mentally to give your new baby the best start possible.

It’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed, but if you’re struggling to cope, then don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Postnatal depression is very common and it’s estimated to affect one in ten women.

Feeling run down and anxious in the first few weeks to six months after giving birth is known as the baby blues. This differs from postnatal depression, which is more long-term. Symptoms include a persistent feeling of sadness and general low mood, as well as withdrawing from contact with people and difficulty bonding with your baby. Consult your GP if you have any concerns or want additional guidance if you have these issues and it’s affecting your daily life.

How to survive the breakup – avoid unhealthy coping strategies

It’s normal to have negative feelings about your ex, especially if they’ve moved onto a new relationship or they bring new people into the family to meet the kids. The grieving process takes as long as it takes to mend that broken heart and eventually, you’ll be ready for future relationships after a baby. But allow the healing process to be as healthy as possible so you can recover properly and maybe even enjoy romantic relationships afterwards.

There is life after your former partner, but you may not see that right now.

If you had a sexless marriage after a baby, you may want to fill the void with intimate rebounds. Avoid unhealthy coping strategies, like having sex with strangers or using substances to numb the pain. These are only short-term solutions to long-term problems. Numbing your feelings will only allow them to come back stronger when the feeling wears off. Thankfully, help is at hand with some tips you can use below to help you navigate the feelings you’re experiencing after a breakup.

Marriage falling apart after baby? Seek legal advice

While you should certainly look after your physical and mental health to ensure the best for your baby, you also need to make sure the practical side of things is in order. For instance, what about the custody arrangements with your baby’s father?

Even if he doesn’t want to be involved, there is always the chance that his family members might reach out at some point – are you prepared for that? Regardless of what the situation is, it’s wise to speak to a professional trained in family law. A good family law solicitor will have experience in dealing with your situation and offer crucial advice on things such as child maintenance, mediation, and custody.

Divorce with a baby – surround yourself with good support and lots of it

It’s normal to feel lonely and cut off from your old life after having a baby. But when you’re a single mother, these feelings can be intensified. Don’t feel embarrassed to ask for help from those around you. Now is the time you’ll need the support of your family and friends more than ever.

Consider asking a close friend, relative or professional childcare service like a professional sitter to watch your baby (and any toddlers in the house) while you have some alone time, or you might just want someone there to be a shoulder to cry on. If you don’t have anyone you can rely on, then speak to your GP or think about joining or creating a single parents network in your local area. You can also reach out to single-parent communities on social media.

It’s very important to ask for professional support if you feel you aren’t coping with a breakup on your own.

It’s very important to ask for professional support if you feel you aren’t coping with a breakup on your own.

Relationship failing after baby – reconnect with things that make you happy

Give yourself time to grieve the relationship and don’t force yourself to move on. But you can also help yourself get over the breakup by reconnecting with the things you didn’t have time to do when you were a couple. You can also set new personal goals and try to achieve them. Getting stuff done and accomplishing tasks can boost your confidence and make you happy. Don’t forget to reward yourself as well!

Schedule time with friends

Foster your relationships with family and friends when you need them the most. Chances are you’ll know someone who has been through a similar breakup and they can listen and offer advice to help you deal. Talking can also distract you, help you work through your issues and offer that much-needed venting that you need to do.

If you don’t have anyone to talk to, consider joining online moderated groups that deal with crises. They can also offer practical advice on what to do next for you and your baby.

Be kind to yourself

Just because your relationship ends doesn’t mean you should be hard on yourself. Regardless of whose fault it was, we’re all human and we make mistakes. Your well-being is so important. By being gentle with yourself, practising daily affirmations and offering gratitude to yourself, as well as accepting things haven’t worked out, you’ll be in a much better mindset to move forward.

Give yourself time to come to terms with the end of your relationship after the baby and focus on healing your mind and body through self-care while you take care of the baby. Doing this will not only help you focus on the present, it’ll benefit your little one and may even prepare you for another romantic partner in the future.

Helping your kids during a breakup or divorce

Relationship strain can also cause your baby (and siblings) to feel the anxiety of the breakup and prolonged anxiety can lead to mood disorders later in life

You and your former partner need to come up with a plan on who gets custody of the kids or whether you will share the parental duties.

Marital problems after having a baby can have a profound effect on the kids. It’s important to keep your mother/son and/or mother/daughter relationships after baby close and tight.

Remind your kids they’re loved by both parents and be honest about the situation when you’re talking about it, bearing in mind their age. Try not to blame your ex and share negative feelings as this may force the child to choose between the parents and this level of pressure isn’t fair to them.

Other breakup challenges – and don’t hook up with them again!

Decisions about parenting after childbirth are important, especially if you get back together and problems arise again. Of course, couples can make a mistake and absence will make the heart grow fonder. But, if the breakup was for the greater good, avoid the urge to hook up with them when they come knocking on your door.

Take the break as a fresh start and look to the future so you can make positive changes and grow as a person. Looking back will keep you in plateau mode and you’ll feel resentful and trapped as a result.

Coping with a breakup or divorce – conclusion

Having a new baby is supposed to be a happy time. Unfortunately, for some new mothers, this experience is made extremely challenging by the ending of a relationship with a person they thought would be there with them through it all.

By following the tips above, you should be better equipped to deal with a breakup as a new mum and even make life changes to have a more positive and fulfilled life later.

FAQ

What are the signs of marriage trouble after a baby?

Other questions asked were:

• What are the changes in your relationships after having a baby?
• How does a relationship change after a baby?

Marriage problems arise when it becomes more of a transactional relationship rather than a loving one. Where the marriage trouble affects the relationship is when both sides stop attempting to make it work and coupled with all the problems you get after your baby is born, this could be the straw that breaks the marriage back.

I had a very serious breakup. I’m unable to concentrate on anything. What should I do to cope up with it? What advice can you give me after a breakup?

Other questions asked were

• How do I start over again after a 10 years relationship break up with 4 kids involved
• How do I get over my breakup after 7 years
• How long does it take to get over the breakup of a 5 year relationship
• How do I deal with a break up after 7 years of being together
• How can I get over a break up?
• How can I move on after the break up of a 12 years long relationship
• Why are breakups so painful?
• How do I cope with divorcing with a newborn?

Getting through a relationship breakdown is easier when you have support from your loved ones. Surround yourself with positive people who motivate you to do better and help you with the logistical and practical problems that arise. Avoid people who are negative and criticise you for your decisions.

How can I tell him that I want to break up after 8 years of relationship?

Other questions asked were:

• What if you want to break up after the baby?
• Is it normal to not like your partner after having a baby?

If you want to end your marriage after a baby, then how you do it will be very important. Don’t call, text or email your partner. Set a date and time to meet with them and stay neutral and objective. Avoid ending the relationship on a negative note and don’t send mixed messages. It’s better to be kind but decisive about the breakup. Don’t offer them hope if there isn’t any.

How do I get my child’s father to want me back after he broke up with me

Other questions asked were:

• Can the same relationship come back after a breakup
• Is it possible to fix a relationship after the break up
• How to fall back in love after having a baby
• Why do guys leave after the baby is born?

If you both want to work at it, then getting couples therapy for relationship advice and counseling is a great first step. But if you’re begging your partner to come back to you and they don’t want to, then you will not be fulfilled when they eventually back down and return. You want your partner to be with you for the right reasons and doing it for the wrong reasons will mean you will end up breaking up again. And the second time hurts more than the first. So a counselor or family therapist may be able to help work with you through some issues that are keeping you in this vicious loop.

What percentage of couples split up after having a baby?

Other questions asked were:

• How many couples split after a baby?
• How many couples split up after having a baby?
• Why is my relationship failing after having a baby?
• Does having a baby make your relationship worse?
• Do relationships suffer after baby?
• Why do people separate after having a baby?
• Why do most relationships fail after having a baby?
• Why do most relationships end after having a baby?
• Why do couples experience relationship problems after baby?

New research shows that a fifth of couples break up in the first year after the baby is born and the most common reason is a diminishing sex life, constant arguing and lack of communication.

If my ex continuously calls me after a recent breakup what should I do?

Stay calm and positive on the phone and try to avoid talking about the breakup. Depending on the situation, it may be better to shield their calls if they are in a heightened state of anger and get professional support about how to deal with them.

Common marriage issues after baby and how to solve them?

Communication issues are a huge aspect of the relationship breaking down after baby, as well as dwindling sex life, gender of the baby and arguing, even about menial things like laundry. Some tips for solving post-baby arguments are to find common ground on how to handle the new challenges of having a baby and work out a plan on how to achieve them.

Try to find some time to spend time together and get back that physical intimacy. Try to spin things into a positive for a week and start your sentence with, ‘I feel’, rather than, ‘You always’, or, ‘You never’. Patience and effort is key here.

How many relationships actually survive after a break?

An unhappy marriage after baby and eventually a break doesn’t mean the end of the marriage, but one study found that only 10% of couples reunite after separating, and only 33% of those who do will stay together. Women who are more educated are less likely to get back with their partner interestingly enough!

*Collaborative feature post*