How to encourage your child to build positive beliefs – Mindscreen Review – Part 3

*This post and the proceeding/subsequent posts in the series are sponsored by Mindscreen – an online mental health and wellbeing tool which guides children towards higher self-esteem, at home or in the classroom.*

In Part 1 of our Mindscreen Self Esteem Series, I talked about how to spot the signs of low self-esteem in your child by using an online program called Mindscreen. In Part 2 I discussed Lesson 1 of the nine-lesson plan, where I talked about why self-awareness is important to build your child’s self-esteem. I would recommend you read the below once you have read Part 1 and Part 2 first.

In this article, which is the second lesson in the nine-lesson plan, I talk about EasyBelief, which is all about encouraging your child to discover their own beliefs, dispel negative beliefs and build on positive beliefs.

Before you start

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In Part 2, I go through the general structure of the lessons, so please check out how it all works here.

This was a great lesson because the boys were a lot more engaged and therefore I was a lot less frustrated! They seemed interested in learning more about beliefs and how they are formed. So, we got started!

Lesson 2 – EasyBelief

I turned to my parent guide and informed the boys that in this lesson we are going to talk about self-belief and how their beliefs influence them and drive their behaviour.

What is self-belief?

I asked the boys what they thought the word, ‘belief’ meant and both stared blankly at me.

The Oxford dictionary defines ‘belief’ as:

1. ” A feeling that something exists or is true, especially one without proof.”

2. ” A belief in, trust or confidence in.”

“I have evidence that aliens are real.”

Aron (9)

“Oh, really? What’s the evidence?”

Me

“Aliens are people.”

Ok, interesting… let’s move on.

“What about God? People believe in God,” I ask.

“So do I,” Aron responded.

“Ah, but is there any actual evidence? There isn’t actual evidence but believers believe he exists and they live their lives through their belief.”

“There is evidence. He made us,” Aron responded quickly.

I move on quickly from the topic of God and explain to the boys that this lesson was about discovering how beliefs are formed and whether the beliefs they have are either self-limiting or self-enabling.

What is a self-limiting belief?

A self-limiting belief is when you believe you can’t do something or it stops you from doing something. For example, you believe you are too slow to run, so you don’t run. Or you think you can’t draw so you don’t even try. This is a self-limiting belief.

What is a self-enabling belief?

A self-enabling belief is a positive belief that allows or enables you to do something because you believe you can do it.

So, if someone tells you that you can’t draw, but you ignore them and believe you’re actually good at drawing, then this is a self-enabling belief. You encourage yourself to do better.

I told the boys they needed to understand the difference and that their beliefs drive the way they behave.

“So if you believe that people don’t like you then you’ll become antisocial and you won’t want to speak or spend time with anyone.”

“What does antisocial mean?”

Aidan (8)

“You don’t like to socialise or spend time with people.”

“Oh, I thought you meant like social distancing,” Aron replied.

“Well, the word social distancing comes from being close to people when you socialise with them. When you’re talking about hanging around people and socialising with them, there’s no distance between you so the government have asked you to distance yourself socially.”

“Do you understand the difference between a self-limiting belief and a self-enabling belief?” I ask.

“Self-limiting belief is when I tell myself I can’t do something and self-enabling belief is when I tell myself I can do something,” Aron replied.

“Nicely put, Aron! Let’s move on to The Dog Story so I can illustrate what I mean.”

The dog story

The purpose of The Dog Story is to help kids learn how their beliefs are formed and how they influence their behaviour.

I asked the boys to head to their Learner Diaries which is a document to record their findings in the lesson, and think about something they did recently that they believed they were good at and two give me two reasons why they believed they were good at this activity.

Aron wrote – “I am good at drawing.”

… and the two reasons why he believed he was good at this activity was:

“Because I am careful”

“I am neat”

Aidan wrote – “Do a great poster.”

… and the two reasons why he believed he was good at this activity was because:

“I’m stylish.”

“I’m creative.”

I told them the reason for this activity was to show them we become what we believe ourselves to be and some of our beliefs stop us from achieving while others help us to achieve.

“So I want you to imagine that you are a paperboy in this story.” I started.

“What’s a paperboy?” Aidan asked.

“A paperboy is someone who delivers newspapers to houses.

So you’re walking up a driveway towards a house with your papers and a big dog attacks you and bites your bum.”

Aidan gasps “Do you get rabies?”

“No. You feel some pain in your bum and then for the first time you’re having thoughts like, ‘some dogs bite’, or ‘why did this dog bite me?’

Imagine you go up to the next driveway and another dog bites you in the bum again, which is painful.

And your earlier thoughts were, ‘some dogs bite,’ but now this might change to, ‘quite a lot of dogs bite,’ or ‘why are these dogs biting me?’

Now imagine you’re walking up to a third driveway…”

“Oh-oh!” Aidan responds

And another dog bites you and your bum is now very, very painful. You might now begin to believe that all dogs bite. Now you got up to the fourth driveway. And the dog there is slavering, growling and he looks very angry.

Now on your piece of A4 paper, I want you to answer the following questions:

1. What have you begun to believe from hearing this story?

“That dogs bite.” Aidan said quickly

“He’s going to bite me. He’s going to make my bum numb,” Aron added.

2. How will you behave when you see that 4^th dog getting angry, growling at you?”

“Run away!” Aidan shouted.

“Ok, so you can see that from this story and from your experience your belief has now been formed that all dogs bite. And the more often you have that thought and that experience and that emotion, the stronger that belief becomes. So the more dogs that bite you, the more you believe that all dogs bite.”

So, here I helped the boys visualise how a belief is formed from their thoughts and experiences and gave them another example.

“Now, imagine being told again and again that you are stupid by another person and they make you think you are stupid.”

“I’m not stupid.” Aidan said.

“I’m just using it as an example, I don’t think you’re stupid at all.”

“Ok, carry on.”

“If someone keeps telling us we’re stupid, we’re going to start to think we’re stupid.”

“No, I would say he is stupid for calling me stupid!”

“I will explode.” Aron  said.“I wouldn’t listen to their comments. I know what I’m good at.”

I tell them that is important to understand that a self-limiting belief even if it comes from someone else, can stop the boys from doing or being the best they can be.

“In The Dog Story, the more we think dogs are aggressive. The more we will do what?” I continue.

“We’re going to keep thinking that dogs aggressive,” Aidan replied.

“Well you’re going to avoid them aren’t you? You won’t go anywhere near them. But the reality is that not all dogs are aggressive so this is a self-limiting belief because this belief will make you miss out on the opportunity to play with other dogs.”

“Change dogs to Ayla!” Aidan shouted.

“Ok, say that Ayla is aggressive, then you will start to avoid her and then you’ll miss out on playing with her because you think she’s aggressive. That is a self-limiting belief. It stops you from doing the things that you want to do. Do you understand what a self-limiting belief is now?”

“It’s when somebody says no you can’t do it because you’re stupid and you keep on believing that you are bad at it. It stops you from being yourself, and it stops you from having self-belief.” Aidan said.

“Beautiful, well done.”

I explain to the boys this is why we’re doing this activity, so they can understand the difference between a negative self-limiting belief and a positive self-enabling belief. I asked them to answer the question:

“How did my belief that I am good at this activity affect my behaviour?”

“Well I became more confident,” Aron said.

How do self-enabling beliefs help you achieve what you want in life?

I asked the boys to write down three people who have achieved something that really impressed them. I told them it could be anyone, from sports stars to real people, to a family member or friend.

“Martial because of his goals, Aron because he got star of the week and headteachers awards and mummy because you are mummy and you’ve had so many babies and you look after us. How do you do it!?” Aidan responded.

“Martial because he impresses me that he scored the most goals for Man Utd. My friend because he is the most intelligent in the class. Mummy, because you are the best mum in the world.” Aron said.

Ah, they both picked me as someone they were very impressed with – that really touched my heart!

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Have you met the Ah-Buts?

“So, have you ever heard or met the Ah-buts?”

“Are you an ah-but? Are you living with an Ah-but?”

“What is an ah-bot? Aidan asked.

“Ahhhh… but what?” Aron said with a smile.

There are two types of Ah-buts.

Type 1 – Can you remember a time when you had a really good idea and a voice in your own head said:

“Ah-but I can’t do it. Ah-but I’m not good enough.”

“Has that ever happened to you?”

“That’s just… yeah,” Aidan said, not amused that he didn’t get what Ah-but meant the first time.

“No I’ve never heard of it,” Aron said.

“You can’t think of any time when this happened to you?”

“Erm… I don’t know when! I don’t think I had one,” Aron pondered.

“Sometimes I have an Ah-but situation when I’m starting an article but a voice in my head says ‘Ah-but you don’t have the expertise to write this article.”

Type 2 – The other type of ah-but is when you had a really good idea and you shared it with someone else and that person said:

“Ah-but I don’t think you’re good enough to do it.”

Or,

“Ah-but I don’t think you’ll be able to do it.”

“Has this ever happened to you?”

“No,” the boys shouted in unison.

“Wow, good!”

“So, with those three people you picked, what do you think would have happened to them if they had listened to those Ah-buts? Do you think Martial would have scored that goal if he had listened to the Ah-buts? Do you think Aron would have had all those headteacher awards if he listened to someone who said, “Ah-but you’re not good enough?”

“No, but they wouldn’t listen to the Ah-buts, they’d do it anyway,” Aron said.

I told the boys that successful people in every walk of life achieved their success, including those billionaires that started their businesses and made lots of money because they believed in themselves and their own abilities. They didn’t listen to the Ah-buts. Self-made entrepreneurs, famous footballers, people who are happy in life, they are successful because they didn’t listen to the Ah-buts from themselves or from other people. An entrepreneur is an entrepreneur because he/she believed in their idea and went for it.

“I will never listen to the Ah-buts!” Aron responded.

You have the ability to be a great achiever. In whatever you choose to do. And whatever you believe, this is the whole reason for this lesson boys.”

“Aron, you want to become an illustrator, but if you listened to that Ah-but in your head or from someone else, what would happen?”

“I would say rubbish, I’m doing it! I am going to make a million pounds selling drawings to everyone,” Aidan chimed in.

“That’s right Aidan and why not!”

“Stupid Ah-buts!” He continued.

“In the Champions League, Phil Jones said to Martial that there’s no way you can score a hattrick. You don’t have enough experience. But, guess what. Martial scored a hattrick! Phil jones was stumped.” Aron said.

“Well, there you go! He didn’t believe the Ah-buts.”

I asked the boys to open their Leaner Diaries again and complete the following two statemetns:

• Think about something you achieved recently and describe how you overcame the “Ah-buts.”
• Think about something you haven’t achieved yet because of the “Ah-buts”. Describe how you can now defeat the “Ah-buts” and succeed.

Aidan wrote, “Scoring a hattrick in the football match.”

“Ok, but, how did you get over the Ah-buts?”

“I ignored it and scored the hat trick,” Aidan replied

“And think about something you haven’t achieved yet because of the Ah-buts and describe how you can defeat the Ah-buts and help you succeed.”

“Nope, whenever anyone has said an Ah-but I ignore it and achieve it.” Aron chimed in.

“Ok, very good Aron.”

I wanted the boys to take away the most important points of this lesson – that their beliefs are formed by their repeated thoughts, experiences and emotions and the more they have that thought, whether it is more painful or pleasurable of an experience, the deeper their feelings and thoughts become, and the stronger their beliefs are.

“And it is really important that you only share your beliefs with those who support you and not criticise you and limit yourself belief.”

Our beliefs can be constructive and they can be destructive

I wanted to talk to the boys about how their thoughts and feelings could either be constructive or destructive.

“Anytime you have a doubt about something, ask yourself this question – is the thought I’m having constructive, i.e. is it helping me or benefiting me, or is it destructive, i.e. self-limiting, so it’s not helping you?”

“I want to have a self-enabling belief,” Aidan said.

It is also vital to recognise when our thoughts and beliefs are destructive and replace them with constructive thoughts.

I told the boys that they can do whatever they put their minds to, so whenever they start to feel a destructive thought coming on, they should try to think of a way to make it constructive, i.e. Replace negative thoughts with something positive.

“I can even do a cartwheel inside a bag,” Aron said.

“I can even jump on the table and land on the ceiling,” Aron continued.

“So, what did you learn from this lesson?”

“I learned that I don’t want to listen to the Ah-buts, and I want to have a self-enabling belief and reach my destiny. I want to ignore what people think I can’t do; I want to be myself and my best,” Aidan replied.

“I have learned that I do not have any Ah-buts and ignore all the people who tell me I can’t do it. Because I can!” Aron said.

“Beautiful, we are done!”

How did we get on with Lesson 2, easyBelief?

I was surprised to see how engaging the boys were in this lesson, especially when Lesson 1 was trying throughout. I was also shocked to see how defensive the boys got when I ask them if they had any self-limiting beliefs and when I talked about the Ah-buts with them. But, as a result, I think I got through that we need to ignore the Ah-buts and believe what we want to believe. Aron has repeatedly told me that thoughts control him, so I hope he now sees that we control our thoughts and not the other way around. Fantastic lesson and I learned a lot about dispelling my own self-limiting beliefs, especially when it comes to tackling long projects at the beginning.

Equally I was surprised to see the inner strength coming from Aidan about reaching his destiny and being what he wanted to be. He showed a lot of energy and vigour in the lesson which comes from his strong desire to succeed. I hope I reinforced that his desire to succeed will enable him to succeed later in life.

How long was the lesson supposed to be?

30-40 minutes

How long it took us?

About an hour but we had a lot of discussion in between with limited distractions, so it didn’t feel too long.

What did I want the boys to learn in this lesson?

The most important part of this lesson is to help the boys understand the power of believing in yourself and when you have faith in yourself to succeed in what you’re doing and you have the belief in yourself that you can do it, you won’t listen to the Ah-buts, whether it comes from your mind or from someone else. I think I hit home not just the importance of believing yourself but why it is important to also believe in others too and don’t become an Ah-but yourself.

How important is believing in yourself?

Is it important to believe in yourself? Yes, absolutely! There are a myriad of benefits to believing in yourself and it’s important to encourage children to do the same.

But, does believing in yourself actually help with being successful? Believing in yourself is the first secret to success because it helps you achieve the goals you set out for yourself, ignoring the Ah-buts who says you can’t do it.

How do you start believing in yourself and your abilities to take on big life-changing goals?

Start small. Find out what’s causing the destructive thoughts and work through the steps above with your child to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones. The importance of self-belief is paramount when it comes to achieving the goals your child sets their minds to. And, they will come across those Ah-buts from everywhere. So arming them with the strength to say they can do it regardless of what others say, is a powerful tool they can use in the future.

Even getting your kids to say to themselves daily, “I believe in myself” can be enough to create a positive outlook for the day.

What’s next?

In Part 4, we will be going through Lesson 3, easyConfidence, which provides your child the opportunity to explore their own strengths and talents to build their self-confidence.

Click here to read Part 4 now!

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